I realize I do not write here often anymore, but that’s okay. This is for me now, and if someone else reads it, then that is okay too.
The house is a mess. I have two toddlers, and I was not very good at keeping it clean to begin with.
My relationship is a mess. Two babies will do that, although I do not blame them. Babies come into the world and they create parents, and those parents have babies inside of them, who maybe were not held enough, who maybe watched their parents struggle, who maybe still want to be held and loved. These new parents look in the mirror everyday and worry, that they are making mistakes, that they will stumble and fall just like their toddlers. These new parents do not remember what their relationship used to be like, do not remember when times were easy and they could fall into each other at the end of the day. New parents can forget how to lean on each other or how to dream about the future, when the everyday is a sea of stress and details.
My career is a mess. I have not worked in almost two years. My French is leaving me, my drive is dwindling, I am forgetting the government-speak that I used to relish throwing around.
My body is a mess. It folds where it used to stretch, it hangs where it used to perch. It tires easily and feels sore most days.
My eating is a mess. I feed my babies, breast milk and organic vegetables and whole grains, and when it comes time to feeding myself, I am exhausted and boring. I am eating Halloween candy and take-out sushi and yoghurt by the tub-full.
But – Life is messy. This is life, truly dirty, messy life. It is full of tears and snot and poop and sleep, or the lack of sleep. It is hurt, and anger and it is laughter and joy. My babies are growing. A year ago I was swimming in the new-born phase, and now we have wrapped this new reality of walking/talking/climbing around us and it is equally scary and awe-inspiring.
For all the mess, it is so raw, so real. It is creation, it is art. It is beautiful.
I know someone who had a baby yesterday, and there are a few more on their way in the coming months. I am not nostalgic for those early days, but I would like to offer a bit of advice: Let it be messy. It will take awhile for order to return, and when it does, let it be new and different. Let everything fall into chaos, and know that something new is coming out of it. A family; whole and perfect in it’s insanity. Be okay with the mess, the mistakes, the past and the future. Just let it go and trust that life will continue whether the dishes are done, whether your husband hugs you before he leaves in the morning, or whether you give your son Advil for the 20th day in a row to combat molars. Hug your babies, be kind to yourself, feel every minute that passes. And breath, breath, breath.
Love and kindness,