On re-reading my birth story, I am struck by how matter of fact I was. Everything I wrote was true. That is how it happened. But there is a lot missing from that story, from my pregnancy in general.
How I felt.
I am a writer. I have journaled since I was probably 10 years old, and I wrote stories even before I could write (I used to dictate to my mother – she had better penmanship than me). I am used to dissecting and analyzing my feelings. Going over and over an event until I beat it to death with my “thoughts” and “emotions”.
But this…having two people pulled out from inside of you. Two people who didn’t exist before. This is almost beyond emotion.
How does a mother describe the love she has for her children? How do I analyze the enormity of my pregnant belly? How do I explain the complete exhaustion that has been my life for the last 5 months?
I don’t think I can, without it sounding trite or the same thing you might hear in a Pampers ad.
I am in awe, I am in love, I am frustrated with lack of sleep, I am confused by my new body, I am scared for all the mistakes I am bound to make, I am grateful for my friends and family and strangers who have reached out to help my little family.
Children offer a rebirth. I am taking my first breath, rolling over for the first time, I am looking at the dog wondering, “what IS that furry thing and why does it live in our house?!”
As I’ve said before, my expectations for this pregnancy/birth went out the window when we saw two little hearts beating on the ultrasound. I know that these little ones are here to challenge me, to force me to face my fears and to go past my presumptions and preconceived ideas.
About 10 years ago, when I was working on a farm in BC, I was struggling to carry two buckets of grain from the barn to the hen-house. My friend Veronika was passing me as I struggled, on her way to muck out the cow barn. “You’re stronger than you think you are!” She called to me. At the time, I sucked it up and carried the buckets the rest of the way, my shoulders screaming. I’ll never forget it though. I am stronger than I think I am. Well, we are all. There is untapped reserves deep down within ourselves, and only in very special circumstances do we witness our true strength. No matter our situation, twins, singletons, our partners, our parents: the challenge to love and be loved will always test our strength, and I like to believe we will always meet it head on. And isn’t that what makes life worth living?